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I planted some bird seed. A bird came up. Now I don't know what to feed it.

I had amnesia once---or twice.

I went to San Francisco. I found someone's heart. Now what?

Protons have mass? I didn't even know they were Catholic.

All I ask is a chance to prove that money can't make me happy.

If the world were a logical place, men would be the ones who ride horses sidesaddle.

What is a "free" gift? Aren't all gifts free?

They told me I was gullible and I believed them.

Teach a child to be polite and courteous in the home and, when he grows up, he'll never be able to merge his car onto the freeway.

Experience is the thing you have left when everything else is gone.

One nice thing about egotists: they don't talk about other people.

My weight is perfect for my height--which varies.

How can there be self-help "groups"?

If swimming is so good for your figure, how do you explain whales?

Show me a man with both feet firmly on the ground, and I'll show you a man who can't get his pants off.

Is it me --or do buffalo wings taste like chicken?

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There was an important job to be done and Everybody was sure that Somebody would do it. Anybody could have done it, but Nobody did it. Somebody got angry about that because it was Everybody's job.
Everybody thought that Anybody could do it, but Nobody realized that Everybody wouldn't do it. It ended up that Everybody blamed Somebody when Nobody did what Anybody could have done.

I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.

Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.

I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather. Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.

Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.

The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on the list.

Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

If I agreed with you we'd both be wrong.

We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.

War does not determine who is right - only who is left.

Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.

The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

Evening news is where they begin with 'Good evening', and then proceed to tell you why it isn't.

To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.

A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a work station.

How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?

Some people are like Slinkies ... not really good for anything, but you can't help smiling when you see one tumble down the stairs.

Dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish.

I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted pay checks.

A bank is a place that will lend you money, if you can prove that you don't need it.

Whenever I fill out an application, in the part that says "If an emergency, notify:" I put "DOCTOR".

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I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.

I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with "Guess" on it...so I said "Implants?"

Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?

Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.

Why do Americans choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America ?

Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman.

A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.

The voices in my head may not be real, but they have some good ideas!

Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won't expect it back.

A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you will look forward to the trip.

Hospitality: making your guests feel like they're at home, even if you wish they were.

Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.

I discovered I scream the same way whether I'm about to be devoured by a great white shark or if a piece of seaweed touches my foot.

Some cause happiness wherever they go. Others whenever they go.

There's a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so they can't get away.

I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not sure.

I always take life with a grain of salt, plus a slice of lemon, and a shot of tequila.

When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the Fire Department usually uses water.

You're never too old to learn something stupid.

To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.

Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.

Some people hear voices. Some see invisible people. Others have no imagination whatsoever.

A bus is a vehicle that runs twice as fast when you are after it as when you are in it.

If you are supposed to learn from your mistakes, why do some people have more than one child?

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Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine

If you are grouchy, irratable, or just plain mean, there will be a $10 sur-charge for putting up with you.

I dialed a number and got the following recording:
"I am not available right now, but Thank you for caring enough to call.
I am making some changes in my life. Please leave a message after the Beep.
If I do not return your call, You are one of the changes."

My wife and I had words, But I didn't get to use mine.

Frustration is trying to find your glasses without your glasses.

Blessed are those who can give without remembering and take without forgetting.

The irony of life is that, by the time you're old enough to know your way around, you're not going anywhere.

God made man before woman so as to give him time to think of an answer for her first question.

I was always taught to respect my elders, But it keeps getting harder and harder to find one.

Every morning is the dawn of a new error.

The quote of the month is:
"With hurricanes, tornados, fires out of control, mud slides, oil spills, flooding, severe thunderstorms tearing up the country from one end to another, and with the threat of swine flu and terrorist attacks, "Are we sure this is a good time to take God out of the Pledge of Allegiance?"

Drive carefully. It's not only cars that can be "Recalled" by their maker.

If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, It was probably worth it.

It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to be kind to others.

Never put both feet in your mouth at the same time, Because then you won't have a leg to stand on.

Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance.

Since it's the early worm that gets eaten by the bird, sleep late.

When everything's coming your way, You're in the wrong lane.

Birthdays are good for you. The more you have, the longer you live.

You may be only one person in the world, But you may also be the world to one person.

Some mistakes are too much fun to only make once.

We could learn a lot from crayons...
     Some are sharp, some are pretty and some are dull.
     Some have weird names, and all are different colors,
     But they all have to live in the same box.

A truly happy person is one who Can enjoy the scenery on a detour.

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Old Farmer's Advice:

Your fences need to be horse-high, pig-tight and bull-strong.

Keep skunks and bankers at a distance.

Life is simpler when you plow around the stump.

A bumble bee is considerably faster than a John Deere tractor.

Words that soak into your ears are whispered...not yelled.

Meanness don't jes' happen overnight.

Forgive your enemies; it messes up their heads.

Do not corner something that you know is meaner than you.

It don't take a very big person to carry a grudge.

You cannot unsay a cruel word.

Every path has a few puddles.

When you wallow with pigs, expect to get dirty.

The best sermons are lived, not preached.

Most of the stuff people worry about ain't never gonna happen anyway.

Don't judge folks by their relatives.

Remember that silence is sometimes the best answer.

Live a good, honorable life.. Then when you get older and think back, you'll enjoy it a second time.

Don 't interfere with somethin' that ain't bothering you none.

Timing has a lot to do with the outcome of a Rain dance.

If you find yourself in a hole, the first thing to do is stop diggin'.

Sometimes you get, and sometimes you get got.

The biggest troublemaker you'll probably ever have to deal with, watches you from the mirror every mornin'.

Always drink upstream from the herd.

Good judgment comes from experience, and a lotta that comes from bad judgment.

Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier than puttin' it back in..

If you get to thinkin' you're a person of some influence, try orderin' somebody else's dog around..

Live simply. Love generously. Care deeply.

Don't pick a fight with an old man. If he is too old to fight, he'll just kill you.

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Accept that some days you're the pigeon, And some days you're the statue.

Always wear stuff that will make you look good If you die in the middle of it.

A hangover is the wrath of grapes.

A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance.

Aging: Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age and start bragging about it.

Ah, being young is beautiful, but being old is comfortable.

A good time to keep your mouth shut is when you're in deep water.

Any one caught shoplifting will be: Stoned, Whipped, Beaten, Hung, and Shot. Any that survive will also be Prosecuted!

A person who expects nothing will seldom be disappointed.

A penny saved is a government oversight.

A picture is worth a thousand words, but it uses up three thousand times the memory.

After 50, if you don't wake up aching in every joint, you are probably dead!!

Always be yourself because the people that matter don't mind, and the ones who mind, don't matter.

Aspire to inspire before you expire.

Be careful reading the fine print. There's no way you're going to like it.

Being "over the hill" is much better than being under it!

Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.

Birds of a feather flock together and crap on your car.

Business conventions are important because they demonstrate how many people a company can operate without.

Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.

Did you ever notice: The Roman Numerals for forty (40) are " XL."

Did you ever notice: When you put the 2 words "The" and "IRS" together it spells "Theirs?"

Dinner choices: 1. Take it. 2. Leave it.

Dinner is ready when the smoke alarm goes off.

Don't assume malice for what stupidity can explain.

Don't take life too seriously; No one gets out alive.

Do you realize that in about 40 years, we'll have thousands of old ladies running around with tattoos? (And rap music will be the Golden Oldies!)

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Earth is the insane asylum for the universe.

Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?

Even if you're on the right track, you'll get run over if you just sit there. - Will Rogers.

First you forget names, Then you forget faces. Then you forget to pull up your zipper. It's worse when you forget to pull it down.

5 out of 4 people have a problem with fractions.

God must love stupid people; He made so many.

Good Friends + Good Food = Good Times.

Grand children are God's compensation for grey hair and wrinkles.

Ham and eggs...A day's work for a chicken, a lifetime commitment for a pig.

Happiness is Homemade.

He who dies with the most toys is nonetheless DEAD.

He who hesitates is probably right.

How come it takes so little time for a child who is afraid of the dark to become a teenager who wants to stay out all night?

Husband for sale: TV and remote included.

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I couldn't agree with me more.

I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it.

I love cats, but I can't eat a whole one by myself.

If you are what you eat, then I'm fast, easy and cheap!

If you can't be kind, at least have the decency to be vague.

If you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone in mind to blame.

If money talks, all it ever says to me is Goodbye!

If you don't have a sense of humor, you probably don't have any sense at all.

If you think there is good in everybody, you haven't met everybody.

I Have a Degree in Liberal Arts; Do You Want Fries With That?

I'm not a complete idiot -- Some parts are missing.

I smile because I don't know what the heck is going on.

I started out with Nothing, and I still have most of it left.

It is said there are 3 rings involved in a marriage, the engagement ring, the wedding ring, and then the suffering.

I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.

I've reached the age where the happy hour is a nap.

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Just give me the coffee and no one gets hurt!

Long ago when men cursed and beat the ground with sticks, it was called witchcraft. Today, it's called golf.

Lord, Please keep your arm around my shoulder and your hand over my mouth...AMEN!!

Money can't buy happiness -- but somehow it's more comfortable to cry in a Corvette than in a Yugo.

Money will buy a fine dog, but only kindness will make him wag his tail.

My husband and I divorced over religious differences. He thought he was God and I didn't.

No outfit is complete without cat hair.

No one has more driving ambition than the boy who wants to buy a car.

No one ever says 'It's only a game.' when their team is winning.

NyQuil, the stuffy, sneezy, why-the-heck-is-the-room-spinning medicine.

One of the many things no one tells you about aging is that it is such a nice change from being young.

Procrastination is attitude's natural assassin. There's nothing so fatiguing as an uncompleted task. - William James.

Procrastinate Now!

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Scratch a cat and you will have a permanent job.

Seat belts are not as confining as wheelchairs.

Seen in a vet's office: "We'll be right with you. Sit. Stay."

Smiles are for sharing, always carry a spare.

Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them.

Some people try to turn back their odometers. Not me, I want people to know "why" I look this way. I've traveled a long way and some of the roads weren't paved.

Stupidity is not a handicap. Park elsewhere!

The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.

The gene pool could use a little chlorine.

The journey of a thousand miles begins with the first step. - Chinese Proverb.

The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight, because by then your body and your fat have gotten to be really good friends.

The stars are always shining, but, we have to be in darkness to see them.

The trouble with bucket seats is that not everybody has the same size bucket.

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The trouble with life is there's no background music.

The nicest thing about the future is that it always starts tomorrow.

The older we get, the fewer things seem worth waiting in line for.

The original point and click interface was a Smith &Wesson.

The real art of conversation is not only to say the right thing at the right time, but also to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting moment.

The sole purpose of a child's middle name is so he can tell when he's really in trouble.

The way to a woman's heart is through a restaurant door.

There are no new sins; the old ones just get more publicity.

There are worse things than getting a call for a wrong number at 4 AM. It could be a right number.

There's always a lot to be thankful for if you take time to look for it. For example I am sitting here thinking how nice it is that wrinkles don't hurt!

They call it PMS because Mad Cow Disease was already taken.

Thou shalt not weigh more than thy refrigerator.

Wanted: Chief cook and bottle washer. Low pay and long hours.

When I'm feeling down, I like to whistle. It makes the neighbor's dog run to the end of his chain!

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When you reach the end of your rope; tie a knot in it and hang on.

Wife and hunting dog missing... Reward for dog.

Will trade coffee for gossip.

When you are dissatisfied and would like to go back to your youth, think of Algebra.

Why is it that at class reunions you feel younger than everyone else looks?

Wrinkled Was Not One of the Things I Wanted to Be When I Grew up!!!!

You know you are getting old when everything either dries up or leaks.

You will always be my best friend..... you know too much!

Young at heart - slightly older in other places.

You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me.

Your husband just called and said you could buy anything you want to.

Worry looks around, sorry looks back, Faith looks up.

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We even see them on our computers.

Some of the Best 'Out of Office' Automatic email Replies:

Hi, I'm thinking about what you've just sent me. Please wait by your PC for my response.

I am currently out of the office at a job interview and will reply to you if I fail to get the position. Please be prepared for my mood.

I will be unable to delete all the emails you send me until I return from vacation. Please be patient, and your mail will be deleted in the order it was received.

I've run away to join a different circus.

Sorry to have missed you, But I'm at the doctor's having my brain and heart removed so I can be promoted to our management team.

Thank you for your email. Your credit card has been charged $5.99 for the first 10 words and $1.99 for each additional word in your message.

Thank you for your message, which has been added to a queuing system. You are currently in 352nd place, and can expect to receive a reply in approximately 19 weeks.

The email server is unable to verify your server connection. Your message has not been delivered. Please restart your computer and try sending again.

You are receiving this automatic notification because I am out of the office. If I was in, chances are you wouldn't have received anything at all.

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